So the Birthday...

I love the boyfriend. He is too sweet for me. I don't deserve him. I tell him this constantly. He just does not listen to me. He got me tickets to see a show at the Citadel. I loved the show it was fantastic and I really cannot wait till December to see A Christmas Carol. But I just don't feel I deserve all this, I hate my birthday. I feel that it is an inconsequential day who gives a shit if I was born that day. I really don't but it is something that must be done apparently. I always feel that my birthdays with my family are very forced pleasent. Why force it? Why dont we just pretend it didn't happen. I am down for that.

Ahhh, just Another Thursday....

Okay, so I am in this constant state of paranoia. Every time I see someone talking I assume they are talking about me. Okay so I know you are going to say, " Lola, don't be ridiculous, you know what they say about people who assume, they make an ass out of u and me." I know, I get it. But it fallows you around, every turn to you take, every word you speak, Paranoia is there. I have fear.

Maybe it's because it's my Birthday soon. Ick. I do not like birthdays. I don't like presents, I am not having a good time with my family right now. It's just ick.

I think I am going to cut my hair.

I am having a random mood all day.

It goes with the Paranoia. Weird isn't it.

Whew, try having a conversation with me.

Insomnia Meet Not Enough Hours in a Day.

Insomnia is a bitch, but in my life I think it's necessary. I have so much shit to do. And not a lot of time to do it in. Is that sad? Work, home, school (if I ever get back to that nonsense), friends, boyfriends, my works of art that lay unfinished, my piles of books just begging to be read, my novels that have yet to make it to paper, and this blog that I have somehow still manage to attemp to write in this week. I'll give this thing another week and then it will dissapear into the list of things to do today. Why is it I give myself so much things to do? Is it a problem? I don't think either of my parent's have this disease. Man I must be a special case eh?

Shall I enthrall you with my list of things I have to get done before I lose my mind (or my job, whichever comes first).

1. Work

• I work in a clothing store, I have sections designated to me. In two sections I have to re-merchandise about 2-3 times a week, backstock, displays and manniquins. Also in these sections I have to keep them neat and tidy as if there was to be a head office visit at any monent. I take this oppertunity to remind you that I must be helping customers at the same time.
• I am also appart of the management team. That means that I have to keep track of my customers and the customers of the people on my sales team as well.
• I must get the figures and targets for the store on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly basis.
• Because the people I work with are pretty lazy I end up doing thier sections as well, (so Its like repeat steps one thru three here).
• I must smile at all times while I am doing this.
• Because my Manager hates me I have been given the pleasure of a few more task's. I now do contest for the store, make a community board to let customers now promotions and stuff like breast cancer awareness and a Brag Board that lets people give 'props' to other employees on a job well done!
• I have to take these things home with my because I would hate to waste company time on them. So that is what I am currently [not] doing right now.
• I spend about 45+ hours at work physically, but I spend about 20+ at home doing things. And somehow I don't think I am making enough to be worth it!

2. Home

• Okay okay, right off the bat, I still live with my parents, which a lot of kids do at my age, but people have told me I have a soul of an 80 year old, mind of an 50 year old and the maturity of a 25 year old. I don't if this is true or not but whatever. Where was I.... Oh yeah. Okay so I am never home. My room looks like it might caught wind of Hurricaine Katrina. I have clean clothes stacked a foot and half high in my room. I can't get to my dresser because there is a chair in the way. I can't move anything out of my room because my mother is a pack rat and have filled the house with everything she can think of. I have art supplies, books, movies, make-up, magazines packed everywhere. There is no sheets on my bed cause I can't seem to find any in this place.
• Because I live with my parents I am obligated to help them around the house, and I do. So the house comes before my room. Before I can touch my room the grass should be cut, the living room dusted, the bathroom cleaned etc etc etc. My room is crying right now. I can hear it whimper throughout the house.

3.School

• Oh God, this one keeps me up at night. I didn't finish High School. And it eats at me every second of everyday. Even though it was torture for me, I would go back in a heartbeat. I would do it all over again. I would go through it just to have my parents look at me not as a failure, but as thier Daughter.
• I wanted to do so much with my life, Anthropology, Photography, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to work in Drama, Fashion Designer, Interior Designer...etc etc etc. Thats all in the crapper now.

4.Friends

• It's totally weird how you can go from having no friends for years and then having too many to fit into your life. I can't seem to find enough time to spend with them and when I do I am thinking about work, or how I should be at home cleaning. So you can imagine what a party animal I must be eh?

5. Boyfriend

• I love him. I am going to start off saying this before anyone starts to question it. He is my first serious boyfriend. We have been together over 2 years. And he requests the most time. I spend weekends there and some weeknights. But when I am at his place all I can think about is what I should be doing. It's a vicous cycle.

6. Art, Writing and Reading

• I love to read, there is nothing better that getting lost in a book. I have about 20 that I have gotten that I need to read. Because there is so many I usually read about 3 or 4 at a time.
• I have so many ideas for stories, but never enough time to get them out. By the time I type out the first idea, there is always another one coming.
• I like to think I am artistic. I paint, draw, sew, knit and scrapbook just to name a few. And they are currently adding to the pile in my floor.

Who designated the amount of hours in a day? Can't I have a few more?

Jam it down your throat.

I have bout's of insanity, and the all have different ranges. Right now I am in the Manic-Depressed-Next-person-to-say-to-me-everything-is-all-right-I-am-going-to-shoot phase. Well I am pretty sure that I feel like that a lot when people say that to me. When I walk into a room and I am already scowling, what makes you think that I am all about the sunshine and rainbows? Do you read that somewhere on my face. Did you just ignore the look of loathing that I had in my eyes? Wow I did no know you had that power. That's amazing. You should write a novel about your "special powers", and Jam it down your throat.

How Come I Didn't Make it Out Alive.

Did anybody else notice that I am useless piece of flesh? Raise your hands or comment me if you agree. I was just checking out the Jasper Place Grad group and realized wow I am such a loser. Looking at all of them in their smiles, their pretty one-time-wear dresses, they look so happy and ready for what awaits them. Wow is that what High School did to you? Then I must of been in the wrong class. What I got out of High School was something so very different. No friends, no one to talk to. I was tormented and teased. For Christ sakes. What completely baffles me is that I wasn't the only fat one there and it seems I was always targeted. So I missed the 'great high school experience'. If that's what its called. I was afraid to go to school, because of the looks and the whispers. There is a reason why I walk hunched down, why I do not talk to anyone and why I dress the way I do. To this day I still live in the fear that school gave me. I am trying to graduate and I cant get myself to go to school. How am I supposed to accomplish this? Should I suck it up. Bottle it inside like I have been doing. Having it slowly kill me. Should I quit? And work at the same shitty job for the rest of my life? Its funny I actually cant bring myself to blame anyone in school. I am supposed to take care of crap like this, ME. To some I should of taken care of this crap in High School. And I ask them here and now. HOW? How do you handle things like that? I had no friends in school. "oh well just make some" Yeah its just that easy eh? I lost myself in high school. I think I still am in there. I try to act like it doesn't bother me but it does. I talk to people who are in there now. And they aren't having a problem. Was it just me? Am I truly the freak they all said I was? Did I miss that memo? I talk to people who I went to school with. They are doing great. With their bright futures. Still a little tipsy from the 'High' that High school gave them. I envy them, surprised aren't you? I envy someone. I envy almost everybody I meet. If I had the chance I would change myself in an instant. I want to go back to before high school, before Junior high. Hell even before the 'bad years' of Elementary. I want to go back to a time where no cared that I was fat, everyone talked to you and didn't make you feel like an idiot. I want to go back way, way before all the harsh words came about. Back when i didn't feel like shit all the time. No matter who I was with, or what I was doing. All that mattered was whether or not to play tag or monkey bars at recess. That was my big decision in those days. Or maybe I should move to an Island, just me. All alone. I could do what I want, no one would be there to make fun of me. No one would be there to drag me down. It does sound like paradise.

It happened one night....

In review of why I wanted to start blogging, My mind came up blank. As per usual it seems. For I do not know why I would want to do this, considering I have poor grammer and spelling (and if you could hear my pronunciation, you would be astonished of how poorly I talk.)