Jam it down your throat.

I have bout's of insanity, and the all have different ranges. Right now I am in the Manic-Depressed-Next-person-to-say-to-me-everything-is-all-right-I-am-going-to-shoot phase. Well I am pretty sure that I feel like that a lot when people say that to me. When I walk into a room and I am already scowling, what makes you think that I am all about the sunshine and rainbows? Do you read that somewhere on my face. Did you just ignore the look of loathing that I had in my eyes? Wow I did no know you had that power. That's amazing. You should write a novel about your "special powers", and Jam it down your throat.

How Come I Didn't Make it Out Alive.

Did anybody else notice that I am useless piece of flesh? Raise your hands or comment me if you agree. I was just checking out the Jasper Place Grad group and realized wow I am such a loser. Looking at all of them in their smiles, their pretty one-time-wear dresses, they look so happy and ready for what awaits them. Wow is that what High School did to you? Then I must of been in the wrong class. What I got out of High School was something so very different. No friends, no one to talk to. I was tormented and teased. For Christ sakes. What completely baffles me is that I wasn't the only fat one there and it seems I was always targeted. So I missed the 'great high school experience'. If that's what its called. I was afraid to go to school, because of the looks and the whispers. There is a reason why I walk hunched down, why I do not talk to anyone and why I dress the way I do. To this day I still live in the fear that school gave me. I am trying to graduate and I cant get myself to go to school. How am I supposed to accomplish this? Should I suck it up. Bottle it inside like I have been doing. Having it slowly kill me. Should I quit? And work at the same shitty job for the rest of my life? Its funny I actually cant bring myself to blame anyone in school. I am supposed to take care of crap like this, ME. To some I should of taken care of this crap in High School. And I ask them here and now. HOW? How do you handle things like that? I had no friends in school. "oh well just make some" Yeah its just that easy eh? I lost myself in high school. I think I still am in there. I try to act like it doesn't bother me but it does. I talk to people who are in there now. And they aren't having a problem. Was it just me? Am I truly the freak they all said I was? Did I miss that memo? I talk to people who I went to school with. They are doing great. With their bright futures. Still a little tipsy from the 'High' that High school gave them. I envy them, surprised aren't you? I envy someone. I envy almost everybody I meet. If I had the chance I would change myself in an instant. I want to go back to before high school, before Junior high. Hell even before the 'bad years' of Elementary. I want to go back to a time where no cared that I was fat, everyone talked to you and didn't make you feel like an idiot. I want to go back way, way before all the harsh words came about. Back when i didn't feel like shit all the time. No matter who I was with, or what I was doing. All that mattered was whether or not to play tag or monkey bars at recess. That was my big decision in those days. Or maybe I should move to an Island, just me. All alone. I could do what I want, no one would be there to make fun of me. No one would be there to drag me down. It does sound like paradise.

It happened one night....

In review of why I wanted to start blogging, My mind came up blank. As per usual it seems. For I do not know why I would want to do this, considering I have poor grammer and spelling (and if you could hear my pronunciation, you would be astonished of how poorly I talk.)